philosophy of graduate school application

Hi Dr. Neumaier,

It was great talking to you yesterday. I've been thinking about your question about what the ideal graduate school experience 'phenotype' would look like for me. Having some cohesive representation of my own interests within the department would make me feel like I had access to a variety of perspectives on similar research areas or techniques during my training. However, there is something missing in this from the complete picture. The program should offer good courses that would support my interest in becoming proficient in my research field, making me a good, reliable representative of my area of training. And I should be learning continuously, working with people that encourage me to develop my career into my hobby, into something I want to be engaged with and something that I can always improve. We spoke about continuously getting better, identifying your weaknesses. I believe this is the correct approach to leading a career and to living one's life, maintaining relationships, achieving goals. I suppose my conclusion after the day ended yesterday is that a department can offer to a student what it can, but much of the training must be a solitary endeavor to some degree. The student decides what he wants and what level he will strive for, what kinds of goals he will set for himself. I think the pharmacology department would provide excellent resources for me to create my own way through my thesis. The training in graduate school may be in part development of skills in creating goals and reaching them, perhaps going beyond expectation and always improving. In a way, this is roughly what science does in its incremental pursuit of study. Also, I want my peers in the program to have high expectations of themselves and of each other, so that I was in an environment where people loved what they were learning about. I didn't see a lack of this yesterday.

I wanted to explain myself better than I may have been able to. If you have any thoughts about these ideas, I would enjoy hearing them. Otherwise, thank you for your time yesterday and I hope we can meet again in the future.

Konstantin
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now go work

Christmas Baking

Wandering Angus

THE SONG OF WANDERING AENGUS

by: W.B. Yeats

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;

And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

are you doubting grad school?

-I realized that when i'm ready for a change i'll know it and be excited for it and it will feel right because it is something i want to do.-

I think about these things constantly. Though I suppose I am in a good position to apply to graduate school, there still involves some degree of risk. After reading The Fountainhead, I really applied Rand's philosophy. In most of life's crossroads, I believe, you can't really see what's going to happen in either direction, but you have to pick one, ultimately. I believe in sticking with that choice 100%, no regrets. Give it your whole heart, and let nothing dissuade you that it was the wrong decision.

I think it is an empowering perspective. So with graduate school, I just think it is a direction I have to actively make myself follow. It is a lot of work, its hard, its frustrating, I lost sleep this week, it doesn't sound like a good deal. But science is my life and I know that I can reap infinite reward from going to graduate school and being a scientist. I am motivated by that. i am motivated by my curiosity. But that doesn't mean I don't doubt the idea or that I weigh the situation heavily often, because I do. But I don't really like regret, I've had too much in my life.

No one should be able to criticize what you choose, even if its sticking around Sitka because you love it there just a little longer. Eventually, something will click. That's what happened with me. And ironically, it had to do with my feeling happy in Boston and establishing a rich life here. Weird that I would feel ready to potentially leave once I found a home. This is worth investigating.

lets go see these together

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

Painters that create whole building-side advertisements. It is incredible how they are able to keep scale and proportion so accurate on such a massive canvas. And they're so modest. Next time I am in New York, I'll definitely be looking for these.

West Virginia in the Fall

I spent Thanksgiving in Martinsburg where I first lived when I moved to the states.  I flew into Dulles International from Boston, but I realized when I exited the plane that it was the airport I flew into when I first came to this country.

My brother Max lives on this farm now outside the city.  He is one of the children of the family that hosted/sponsored my mother and I for the first years of our lives here in America.  I enjoyed walking around the farm and looking at the decaying apple orchard.  It was very still and quiet, it looked like all of the dead apples were waiting for something that would happen any minute.

Beautiful. I am happy I went for this walk.  This trip comes at a time when I am applying for graduate school and having a difficult time expressing myself fully in the essays I am writing.  This requires a lot of mental effort compared to writing for this blog.  I am trying to write this way but it is very difficult.  I hope you enjoy these images, I really like the patterns here in the Appalachian foothills.


 
























   

one of my favorite photographs

This was taken in 1969 by Michael Collins as the lunar lander returned to the orbiter above the moon.  How fascinating, because here in this photograph, Collins is the loneliest human in the universe.  Here, he has captured an image of everything known to us as ordinary people: the moon, the sun's light, and every human alive, except for the photographer.  In this image, Collins is excluded.  Behind the lens is a void and one human being.  How absolutely amazing.

I was thinking about watching the movie The Moon  tonight but I am afraid that I will feel too lonely myself.  Though in reality I am not lonely and nor do I feel that way right now.  Perhaps I want to escape the applications I am writing right now to graduate school and to curl up in my bed and watch something that is distant and freeing.  Though I cannot imagine the feeling that Mr. Collins had up there taking this photograph, having nothing to fall back on if he did lose hold and if the moon let him suddenly go.

Do I have something to fall back on?  Yes, some dreams and some idealizations.  Perhaps on love and on non-careers.  Manual labor and art and creativity.  Perhaps I would attend graduate school in the humanities and develop my writing better, to learn about history and about thinking.  I would study the modern era and the history of science around the world.  Do I really doubt myself so much that I will not move forward next year?  I suppose that question is relative.

What will you fall back on?