Boston Summer

philosophy of graduate school application

2011-02-19T15:04:00.002-05:00

Hi Dr. Neumaier,

It was great talking to you yesterday. I've been thinking about your question about what the ideal graduate school experience 'phenotype' would look like for me. Having some cohesive representation of my own interests within the department would make me feel like I had access to a variety of perspectives on similar research areas or techniques during my training. However, there is something missing in this from the complete picture. The program should offer good courses that would support my interest in becoming proficient in my research field, making me a good, reliable representative of my area of training. And I should be learning continuously, working with people that encourage me to develop my career into my hobby, into something I want to be engaged with and something that I can always improve. We spoke about continuously getting better, identifying your weaknesses. I believe this is the correct approach to leading a career and to living one's life, maintaining relationships, achieving goals. I suppose my conclusion after the day ended yesterday is that a department can offer to a student what it can, but much of the training must be a solitary endeavor to some degree. The student decides what he wants and what level he will strive for, what kinds of goals he will set for himself. I think the pharmacology department would provide excellent resources for me to create my own way through my thesis. The training in graduate school may be in part development of skills in creating goals and reaching them, perhaps going beyond expectation and always improving. In a way, this is roughly what science does in its incremental pursuit of study. Also, I want my peers in the program to have high expectations of themselves and of each other, so that I was in an environment where people loved what they were learning about. I didn't see a lack of this yesterday.

I wanted to explain myself better than I may have been able to. If you have any thoughts about these ideas, I would enjoy hearing them. Otherwise, thank you for your time yesterday and I hope we can meet again in the future.

Konstantin
_________________________________________________________________________________

now go work

Christmas Baking

2010-12-28T01:55:00.000-05:00

Wandering Angus

2010-12-09T08:45:00.001-05:00

THE SONG OF WANDERING AENGUS

by: W.B. Yeats

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;

And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

are you doubting grad school?

2010-12-03T21:13:00.003-05:00

-I realized that when i'm ready for a change i'll know it and be excited for it and it will feel right because it is something i want to do.-

I think about these things constantly. Though I suppose I am in a good position to apply to graduate school, there still involves some degree of risk. After reading The Fountainhead, I really applied Rand's philosophy. In most of life's crossroads, I believe, you can't really see what's going to happen in either direction, but you have to pick one, ultimately. I believe in sticking with that choice 100%, no regrets. Give it your whole heart, and let nothing dissuade you that it was the wrong decision.

I think it is an empowering perspective. So with graduate school, I just think it is a direction I have to actively make myself follow. It is a lot of work, its hard, its frustrating, I lost sleep this week, it doesn't sound like a good deal. But science is my life and I know that I can reap infinite reward from going to graduate school and being a scientist. I am motivated by that. i am motivated by my curiosity. But that doesn't mean I don't doubt the idea or that I weigh the situation heavily often, because I do. But I don't really like regret, I've had too much in my life.

No one should be able to criticize what you choose, even if its sticking around Sitka because you love it there just a little longer. Eventually, something will click. That's what happened with me. And ironically, it had to do with my feeling happy in Boston and establishing a rich life here. Weird that I would feel ready to potentially leave once I found a home. This is worth investigating.

lets go see these together

2010-11-27T10:42:00.001-05:00

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

Painters that create whole building-side advertisements. It is incredible how they are able to keep scale and proportion so accurate on such a massive canvas. And they're so modest. Next time I am in New York, I'll definitely be looking for these.

West Virginia in the Fall

2010-11-25T22:25:00.001-05:00

I spent Thanksgiving in Martinsburg where I first lived when I moved to the states. I flew into Dulles International from Boston, but I realized when I exited the plane that it was the airport I flew into when I first came to this country.

My brother Max lives on this farm now outside the city. He is one of the children of the family that hosted/sponsored my mother and I for the first years of our lives here in America. I enjoyed walking around the farm and looking at the decaying apple orchard. It was very still and quiet, it looked like all of the dead apples were waiting for something that would happen any minute.

Beautiful. I am happy I went for this walk. This trip comes at a time when I am applying for graduate school and having a difficult time expressing myself fully in the essays I am writing. This requires a lot of mental effort compared to writing for this blog. I am trying to write this way but it is very difficult. I hope you enjoy these images, I really like the patterns here in the Appalachian foothills.

one of my favorite photographs

2010-11-24T22:12:00.001-05:00

This was taken in 1969 by Michael Collins as the lunar lander returned to the orbiter above the moon. How fascinating, because here in this photograph, Collins is the loneliest human in the universe. Here, he has captured an image of everything known to us as ordinary people: the moon, the sun's light, and every human alive, except for the photographer. In this image, Collins is excluded. Behind the lens is a void and one human being. How absolutely amazing.

I was thinking about watching the movie The Moon tonight but I am afraid that I will feel too lonely myself. Though in reality I am not lonely and nor do I feel that way right now. Perhaps I want to escape the applications I am writing right now to graduate school and to curl up in my bed and watch something that is distant and freeing. Though I cannot imagine the feeling that Mr. Collins had up there taking this photograph, having nothing to fall back on if he did lose hold and if the moon let him suddenly go.

Do I have something to fall back on? Yes, some dreams and some idealizations. Perhaps on love and on non-careers. Manual labor and art and creativity. Perhaps I would attend graduate school in the humanities and develop my writing better, to learn about history and about thinking. I would study the modern era and the history of science around the world. Do I really doubt myself so much that I will not move forward next year? I suppose that question is relative.

What will you fall back on?

New inspiration for the week

2010-11-18T01:12:00.002-05:00

Can you believe this revisionist nature painting? Fall in love with it with me.

Tiffany Bozic

Walton Ford, alternating.

These paintings make me feel very very good and remind me about being a scientist and about everything we are missing, all the details. Please improve your relationship to nature like these artists have. This article i received in the inbox today was very interesting to read. These ideas made me wish I had a car or more time to travel out of the city by train to look at natural settings more often.

This painting by Thomas Cole is a scene from Mount Holyoke in Massachusetts and I'm worried I'll never see it.

Like swallowing Seagulls

2010-11-09T20:13:00.002-05:00

"This weekend i learned that sometimes whales swallow birds by accident. jan straley sitka's whale biologist said one of her friends once saw a humpback acting very strangely and shaking it's head back and forth. finally it opened its mouth and a seagull flew out. My week has been kind of like that so far. like swallowing seagulls. a new experience that's not very pleasant but ends well for everyone." KJackson

I was appreciated last tuesday, no documents required.

2010-10-04T08:12:00.000-04:00

oh, i really like this poem. Last tuesday was my birthday. Here's to the slow understanding that comes with age that the birthday is just another day. A reminder that you're alive on this planet, just for a little bit. It was a great birthday, all the same.

Passing Through
by Stanley Kunitz
—on my seventy-ninth birthday

Nobody in the widow's household
ever celebrated anniversaries.
In the secrecy of my room
I would not admit I cared
that my friends were given parties.
Before I left town for school
my birthday went up in smoke
in a fire at City Hall that gutted
the Department of Vital Statistics.
If it weren't for a census report
of a five-year-old White Male
sharing my mother's address
at the Green Street tenement in Worcester
I'd have no documentary proof
that I exist. You are the first,
my dear, to bully me
into these festive occasions.

Sometimes, you say, I wear
an abstracted look that drives you
up the wall, as though it signified
distress or disaffection.
Don't take it so to heart.
Maybe I enjoy not-being as much
as being who I am. Maybe
it's time for me to practice
growing old. The way I look
at it, I'm passing through a phase:
gradually I'm changing to a word.
Whatever you choose to claim
of me is always yours;
nothing is truly mine
except my name. I only
borrowed this dust.

Track me on my trip

2010-09-10T09:26:00.001-04:00

sharing the biking love

2010-08-27T09:41:00.002-04:00

Hi Kostya!
I just wanted to let you know that you have indirectly inspired multiple first time bike rides to work today. Earlier this summer, I told my sister that she should bike to work because it's the best, and she bought a bike yesterday and rode to work today! And my mom has been talking all summer about how she's going to ride my bike to work, and she finally did for the first time today! (Completely coincidental that it happened on the same day... or cosmic.)
Hope all is well,
Sarah

Reflections in windows of a forgotten workstation

2010-08-22T15:37:00.002-04:00

These were taken at an old automobile service station that is on my way to work. It is actually a building I pass about 5 minutes before I get to my hospital, but I'd wager that many people at McLean aren't aware that this sits there.
These were taken at an old automobile service station that is on my way to work. It is actually a building I pass about 5 minutes before I get to my hospital, but I'd wager that many people at McLean aren't aware that this sits there. It is empty and just a little bit creepy because I felt like I was the only one around. Everyone else was in a car speeding by. Fascinating, I think. What I really like about this building is that there is still some architectural input and influence. They are slight and probably were kept to a minimum based on the utilitarian purpose of this building but they are still quite apparent. The curvature of the office building, the typeface of the sign's letters, the brick design. To me, these are references to another time. Perhaps this building was constructed in the 50's or 60's. What made people add a unique touch to their buildings then? Today, buildings created for this purpose are identical and located in the expected places next to strip malls and car dealerships. I like that this one is kind of lost along this lonely road, far away from any of that. A physical representation of utilitarian aesthetics that seems to have left the canonical convention. Pay attention to these hidden cues in other buildings as you walk around your city. Places in their cramped facades where someone may have added a hand's touch or an extra hour of work.

I also found this guy next to this building. The first sight of him made me stop and gasp, literally.

These are so great

2010-08-13T23:58:00.002-04:00

From WNYC's Radiolab. Robert Krulwich produced this. I hope you enjoy it, whatever country you're in and whatever language you speak.

And life.

2010-07-16T12:04:00.002-04:00

dream meditation

2010-07-13T22:48:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. I've been working in a lab since I was 20 years old. I was thinking today while I was riding home what that really means to me. How did I get onto this career track? Sometimes I can't believe, looking at myself, that lab work is my life, that's my thing. I know others that go to offices everyday, wear suits everyday, that work with kids, that help others, that help people use or get use out of computers, that have skills that are so different from mine. This realization, that I am specialized and skilled at something, stopped me momentarily on my way home today, and not just physically. A life-evaluating pause at a traffic light. So fascinating the little whirring's going on inside everyone's head during undoubtedly dull moments.

What does this have to do with courage? I find that I am all of a sudden inspired to find my own. Moving to Boston, I suppose, required quite a bit of courage, but it was as if I used it all up before winter came and I sort of sat on my life for a while. While the break was quite welcome, I found myself recently not so certain of my future after this job ends next summer. Interestingly, while I struggled with creating a home here in this new city I really fantasized finishing my work, popping out the last day and walking away from science for a while, totally into some sort of setting sun, swallowed up into uncertainty and "real life" struggle. But as I have grown to love Boston more and more, to make friends and to fill my time this summer with interesting activity, I've been less and less inclined to continue this desire of a floating life. What takes more courage? Having no direction or taking steps to achieve a goal? I suppose one's goal could be broadly defined, but to me the vagabond life seems quite easy to achieve, but the work required of me to continue on my path in becoming a scientist is certainly daunting.

Currently, the synonym I've assigned to courage in my life is Integrity. The identification of a dream, once it is born from your inner depths, and taking the steps necessary to achieve it. This drive to identify the path and to follow it is courage. One is either born with it or one has to learn it. I know I am in the category of having to learn it. But I am learning it and I am thrilled about this. The problem, it seems, is that everyone has to learn it themselves. There is no instruction. Teachers exist, I believe, but they can only provide examples and recounted stories of their own struggles; the inspiration, perhaps, to move on to find your own way.

And today I may have realized that I am slowly on my way. Ha, didn't even know it.

When did you see the ocean last?

2010-07-08T22:51:00.002-04:00

Happiness Makes Up in Height for What It Lacks in Length

2010-06-21T23:38:00.000-04:00

Happiness Makes Up in Height for What It Lacks in Length

Oh, stormy stormy world,
The days you were not swirled
Around with mist and cloud,
Or wrapped as in a shroud,
And the sun's brilliant ball
Was not in part or all
Obscured from mortal view—
Were days so very few
I can but wonder whence
I get the lasting sense
Of so much warmth and light.
If my mistrust is right
It may be altogether
From one day's perfect weather,
When starting clear at dawn,
The day swept clearly on
To finish clear at eve.
I verily believe
My fair impression may
Be all from that one day
No shadow crossed but ours
As through its blazing flowers
We went from house to wood
For change of solitude.

-Mr. Robert Frost
_____________________________

Did you forget?

2010-06-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

Remembering D-Day, 66 years ago - The Big Picture - Boston.com

Inman Square

2010-06-13T23:21:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures I took around my Neighborhood in April. My writings are supposed to be about summer right now, but I nonetheless feel that these pictures are very nice. Recently I've let my camera gather dust and I've not made bread. Other things kind of took my attention. I will reveal one of those things in due time but some of these pictures point to what I've been so focused on recently. Oh, so ambiguous.

Let's see here...

Goodbye, Michigan

2010-05-27T10:10:00.000-04:00

Things I Didn’t Know I Loved: After Nazim Hikmet

I always knew I loved the sky,
the way it seems solid and insubstantial at the same time;
the way it disappears above us
even as we pursue it in a climbing plane,
like wishes or answers to certain questions—always out of reach;
the way it embodies blue,
even when it is gray.

But I didn't know I loved the clouds,
those shaggy eyebrows glowering
over the face of the sun.
Perhaps I only love the strange shapes clouds can take,
as if they are sketches by an artist
who keeps changing her mind.
Perhaps I love their deceptive softness,
like a bosom I'd like to rest my head against
but never can.

And I know I love the grass, even as I am cutting it as short
as the hair on my grandson's newly barbered head.
I love the way the smell of grass can fill my nostrils
with intimations of youth and lust;
the way it stains my handkerchief with meanings
that never wash out.

Sometimes I love the rain, staccato on the roof,
and always the snow when I am inside looking out
at the blurring around the edges of parked cars
and trees. And I love trees,
in winter when their austere shapes
are like the cutout silhouettes artists sell at fairs
and in May when their branches
are fuzzy with growth, the leaves poking out
like new green horns on a young deer.

But how about the sound of trains,
those drawn-out whistles of longing in the night,
like coyotes made of steam and steel, no color at all,
reminding me of prisoners on chain gangs I've only seen
in movies, defeated men hammering spikes into rails,
the burly guards watching over them?

Those whistles give loneliness and departure a voice.
It is the kind of loneliness I can take in my arms, tasting
of tears that comfort even as they burn, dampening the pillows
and all the feathers of all the geese who were plucked to fill
them.

Perhaps I embrace the music of departure—song without lyrics,
so I can learn to love it, though I don't love it now.
For at the end of the story, when sky and clouds and grass,
and even you my love of so many years,
have almost disappeared,
it will be all there is left to love.

-Ms. Linda Pastan
_______________
The summer is beginning and I find myself finishing my move to Massachusetts. I want to apologize to everything I left behind. The departure we all experience at one point or at many points in life truly is beautiful, but only now, only after I cried and I was angry, after I dreamt that home was Ann Arbor and Catherine St. so earnestly. I always tell people that my home is where-ever I am currently living but for the first time in a long time was my life shaken by my own departure. As a person with simultaneously no homes and many homes, I am slowly becoming adjusted to living here in Boston. But wow, its taken so long and was such a struggle.

I am happy to find Linda Pastan's poem today on Garrison Keillor's blog. Last night my friend Andrew and I stood watching a thunderhead plunder across the sky towards the ocean, arching lightening into itself and illuminating from within. So beautiful and so frightening, I almost didn't want to turn around when I saw the horror on my roommate's face, but was glad I did.

I didn't know that leaving Michigan would also be so frightening. It wasn't a sudden shocking strike but a gradual healing of all those torn roots that slowly became painful. Like a deep cut you only notice later. Now I can begin my new garden.

Sonar by Renaude Hallee

2010-05-11T19:01:00.002-04:00

Sonar from Renaud Hallée on Vimeo.

Бабушка!!

2010-04-27T12:06:00.000-04:00

"Babushka! It's spring! It is so good to be alive on this earth, for all good people and even for such as I. Nature, the air, everything is drenched in hope, future, a wonderful future. ... When I think about it more soberly, I know perfectly well I am nothing but an old frozen potato, rotten, cooked and served up with a tasteless sauce full of lumps, but the springtime has such a powerful effect on me that I sometimes catch myself imagining I am a plant that has just opened and spread its leaves among all the other plants and is going to grow up simply, peacefully and joyfully on the good Lord's earth. ... Make way for this wonderful plant that is filling out its buds and growing in the spring." L.Tolstoy

2010-04-22T18:55:00.003-04:00

I knew when I said

2010-03-24T12:06:00.003-04:00

I knew when I said
I love you
that I was inventing a new alphabet
for a city where no one could read
that I was saying my poems
in an empty theater
and pouring my wine
for those who could not
taste it.

-Nizar Qabbani

Found

2010-03-19T19:19:00.002-04:00

Rainy Weekend, its Saturday, I'm at work

2010-03-15T23:13:00.001-04:00

I'm completely back and forth on the necessity of identifying with one's past or alternatively completely eschewing it. Though a few posts ago I advocated the dissociation with a past, in favor of the savory salience of the present moment, I am now interested in the many things that make us who we are. This must then imply a connection with ones past, as we are more complex than just what is in front of us. Take my new fascination with closets and dressers, with bookshelves even. Those things, in a person's rooms, in their homes, are so so intimate and unique. And what is most interesting about clothing and books, most importantly, is the layered individualism within those shelves and coat hangers: each book is distinct, each sweater and t-shirt cannot be identical. Each has been acquired in a new way, each with a story, boring or complex. And I really do believe that these objects reflect little facets of our whole self. As with emotions, moods, behavior, habits, dislikes and romances, between which we really switch constantly, we can similarly put on a new sweater, pick up a book from the shelf. Each a story from our past and each a part of our self, our identity. We really go through so many emotions during the day, and yet we are still ourselves, we still have our personality and our identity, our I AM, our Я. These fluctuations are rooted in our psychology, ultimately. As with the material objects in our lives, our behaviors were influenced by things in our past, many of which we do not know and may never understand. There is a history in the self that would be a shame to forget or ignore. The bookshelf retains its character, the closet its unique combination of so many different parts and the self is entirely the most unique and beautiful thing in the universe.

Hope this makes you smile, too!

2010-03-09T20:20:00.001-05:00

I can't move from this place

2010-02-26T08:34:00.001-05:00

"The few moments of communion with the world are worth the pain, for it is a world for others, an inheritance for others, a gift to others, in the end. When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others." Anaïs Nin

I've been really thinking a lot about moments in time recently. Mostly, I believe, because I want to escape my past. Sometimes, I do. Maybe the ability to, with photography, pathetically retain a little moment that I was really savoring still reflects a tendency to save and hold and remember. Perhaps I precisely construct that past, however. You only do see what I choose for you to see. The postcard-self, flawless. What to say about the real self, the complete individual Gestalt? Perhaps we are still all quite perfect. People are more likely to focus on the negative aspects of life. One criticism is only made up for by 10 compliments. I worry that ignoring criticism will make me really seem weird and unordinary. But, I think I have some control over this yet. I do get a good amount of positive feedback, it feels good.

Strange people have been commenting more and more on this site which is exciting. Only 2 or 3 so far, it somehow makes me feel connected to the world network here on this internet. So they demonstrate moments of communion, perhaps. Take my gifts, this website does make the world a better place for me and I want people to feel that way as well.

This weekend will be the first one in 3 weeks that I am not traveling. So it will be good to do some growing at home. I'm really interested in the color blue right now, I think. Most of my wardrobe (funny word) is dark and/or blue. I want to go out and get a really bright wool cardigan this weekend. Red or orange. It would really liven things up around here! But until then, here is some blue. At least its atmospheric. Do you get the sense that you are on planet Earth from these photos? I hope so.

Hope Triptych

2010-02-12T09:04:00.001-05:00

How to revive some inspiration in yourself by Michael C. Place.

The solution to a problem–
Slice and chop 2 medium onions into small pieces.
Put a medium sized pan on a medium heat with a few glugs of Olive oil.
Add the onions to the pan, and a pinch of salt and pepper.
Chop finely three varieties of fresh chilli (Birds Eye, Scotch Bonnet & Green/Red).
Add the chilli’s to the pan, stir together and cook for eight minutes.
Add about 500g of extra lean Beef mince to the pan.
Stir in so that the Beef is coated and lightly browned (should take approx. 2 minutes).
Add salt and pepper.
Add Red Kidney Beans and tinned chopped Tomatoes.
Stir well.
Add a pinch of Cinnamon.
Cook on a low heat for approximately 20 mins.
-
Measure a cup and a half of Basmati Rice into a medium pan.
Add two and a quarter cups (the same cup you measured the Rice in) of cold water to the pan with the Rice.
Boil on a high heat until the lid rattles.
Turn down the heat to about half way and cook for eight minutes.
After eight minutes turn the heat off the rice, leave for four minutes (with the lid on).
-
Plate up the Rice (on the side), add the chilli.
-
Large glass of Red wine (preferably Australian or New Zealand).
-

Now the important problem solving part–
Take the plates & pans to the sink.
Run a mixture of hot and cold (not too hot) water.
Add a smidgeon of washing up liquid (preferably for sensitive skin).
Start washing up, the mundane kicks in.
The mind clears and new thoughts and ideas appear.
-
Enjoy a second glass of wine to savour the moment.

---------------------------
Yes yes yes! Go see A Single Man if you want to really love your moments. When was your last moment? Mine was this morning listening to Carl Sagan, drinking coffee and playing with Illustrator. Now, time to ride to work on this beautiful morning. Luckily, its mostly a motor action, riding the bike. SO my consciousness is free to spin its own legs. Next post: trip to Portland, Maine.

Ionel Sandovici

2010-02-02T23:40:00.002-05:00

Dear Kostya and Andrew,

Thank you so much for sending across the Atlantic the envelope that lost its way to the other Cambridge! You were extremely kind to spend your own money to do so. After a bit of Internet search I found your blog and this e-mail address.
So, it’s great to know that the twin town has a twin street and that at number 26 lives another Libra. Fantastic! I also work in science as you do.
As you very well said it at the end of your card, this is indeed a wonderful Universe!

Very best wishes,
Ionel

Keep blogging. 26 Willow Way, Cambridge UK and 26 Willow St. Cambridge MA are now real friends and encourage YOUR continuing efforts in self-expression and personal growth.

In development

2010-01-31T23:10:00.001-05:00

I wanted to put some new photographs on here because I think they are some of my best I've taken in a while. Or to put it another way, I feel that my photographs are getting better and are more frequently so. I also recently received a really nice new tri-pod and I am learning to use it. The initial conclusion from some indoor studies I've done is that I need a better lens. Someday. So many of my hobbies require new gear and I can't really afford it right now, so I will get by with what I have until I can do better. I think it'll be that much more sweet.

Recently, one of life's many passers-by asked me a good good question: Why do I like science so much? I kind of initially thought about it being in my blood, and that was my answer, but it really has been plaguing me off and on for over a week now. What is it about science that I really love? There are so many answers and I want to document them on here as the ideas come and as I am able to get them down in my journal. I finished my old squared-paper marble-journal that I bought on March 28th, 2009 and went out on Saturday to buy myself a new one. I almost bought a Moleskin with graph lines but instead found this cool company:

http://www.whitelines.se/

Its a nice white notebook and I am proud of finding it. To be honest, I haven't finished my old one quite yet because I still need to write one more page. I hope it is devoted to this exploration about my interest in science. I actually want to go work on that right now.

Pictures and a hello from me! I am realizing that I do not have too many pictures of me smiling. Thats a good thing to work on.

I don't know what I have done

2010-01-19T15:22:00.001-05:00

First Aid Kit | Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Cover) from RADAR MAKER on Vimeo.

I'm turning myself into a demon

A past life; revisitation

2010-01-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

What a funny place I am from. To say that I am from there is to say that I am also from St. Petersburg, Morgantown, Michigan, Cincinnati or Boston. It was just a place I lived for a period of time when i was a kid. 6 years in Martinsburg has certainly shaped me. However, all of the people that I celebrated Christmas with this year would also agree that its so funny any of us ended up having roots in that town. Driving around the little downtown with my mom I think its great she still knew so much about it. I, however, realized at the dining room table that I had never looked at a map of the town. Ever. It surprised me where the house I grew up was located relative to downtown, my elementary school, the highway. I pointed this out to my mother but she didn't even seem to look twice at the Google page. Sometimes it seems that she makes things up as she goes along but it certainly is convincing.

We moved there in 1992 and while I ran off to watch cartoons with Alex and Leah upstairs in the great big house, I wonder what exactly my mom did as soon as she got there. She must have instantly become busy, tied up in something, walking around, moving, having an objective. I think I might get that from her, because it is hard for her to not sit still when she feels out of control. Anxiety, our friend. How different hers and mine experiences were in Martinsburg. Me attending elementary school just down the street and she probably just struggling to find something to do while I was at school. Actually I don't know if that is true at all. I always assume that she just found it so miserable. I think she often thinks things are incredibly miserable, or is dissatisfied or is displeased. This is my impression and I have experienced the evidence to support it. I can certainly understand these emotions, they are no strangers to me. What advice could I give you having grown up my mother's son? Life is full of terrible moments. It is difficult, disappointing, lonely, unsatisfying, frustrating. But there are also moments in a person's life when things are beautiful. A sunrise over fall dew-fields, warmth in your apartment during a New England snow storm, a beautiful reunion, a friend's ears and heart over coffee. Those moments are the meanings of life.

And you can wait for them to happen or you can go out and get them. The search lasts your whole life, your collection of greatness accumulate in your treasure chest. Those are possessions that cannot be taken away from you, they are truly a form of education. So on one of the last days of this infamous, most complicated of decades, my mother set out to find some adventure. We drove through Martinsburg.

(I used to be a little boy actor at this theater. It was a lot of fun.):

And then, out on the highway, into the mountains. My mom was at the wheel and quickly slipped out of town.

When I was in 4th and 5th grade, 8 and 9 and 10 years old, my mother and I would travel a lot on such roads. And here I was again, we were on these roads again. My incapacity to take control of the wheel, the lack of knowledge about our direction or our destination, my fondness for Garrison Keillor slowly developing. It took me a lot of time to realize that this time, too, Mr. Keillor, alive and still at it himself, was softly playing his part on the radio for us this nostalgic day. I wonder if my mom thought about the strange days 15 years ago as we went around those bends and over those bridges. Perhaps she thought about the overwhelming number of changes that have occurred in her life since those times, and that nothing stays constant and expected. These minds and bodies have changed, these roads are new, these mountains are smaller and more close together, I don't play team sports anymore. New lives, new homes, new friends, new interests, hobbies, jobs. What does stay constant is beauty and that what we see around us. An adventure's ability to throw off the cloak of doom and dread. Wow, my mom exclaimed at the rock formations with water pouring down them from the snow above. Wow, I whisper, as the church steeple of Harper's Ferry pokes through the brown branches on the mountain-side.

I hope everyone also had wonderful Christmases. And Happy New Year!

Some days are really low

2010-01-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

but fuck those days. that's why there are new days.

Liquid Wednesday

2009-11-11T10:33:00.003-05:00

these aren't photographs but I think they are beautiful. Elegant, no?

Y.Z. Kami

I lay in bed this morning for a long time. Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder what is coming of me or what direction I am going. I think about love and what i've done to people, I think about how my body feels without touching it, I think about how long i can stare at the same spot on my wrist. Dead period. I usually feel good when I make myself get up, when I make a cup of coffee for myself, when I eat, when I put my clothes on I feel short sometimes, and other times I feel tall. Sometimes my stomach is big and sometimes it is not. My legs are surprisingly slender even though I ride my bike to work everyday. Today it is a windy day, as I can see looking out my living room window, the leaves are pouring off the trees. Red and yellow droplets are flowing along the sidewall lines of my house, snaking down the windows, pooling in the street, collecting in the storm drains, drowning the rats in the sewer, collecting in my bicycle fenders... Beautiful. My trip to work today will be full of resistance, it will be me thinking about the fluidity of the atmosphere, of my volume displacing the volume of the air infront of me, around me. It will be me thinking through myself as a knife, cutting through in linear fashion. Cut Cut Cut. right? Stay out of my way!

I think i'm going to go see Jonathan Safran Foer tonight.

Bicycle Diaries,: Boston

2009-11-01T16:28:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite gifts that I received for my birthday this year was a book about cycling by the musician and artist David Byrne.

Bicycle Diaries chronicles Mr. Byrne's travels in different cities around the world and exploring their unique characteristics as be sees them. His perspective is that of a casual cyclist, perched slightly higher than the average person. From this perspective, he explains, not only is vehicular and pedestrian traffic more easily observed, but so are cultural nuances, urban characteristics unique to each city he visits. Perched on a bicycle, the view licensed to him allows a very free flowing commentary beginning with street layout and urban planning structure and continuing on to local creativity, history, music, art, behavior, customs, societal problems and idiosyncrasies. The theme is quite inspiring. Sitting on a vehicle that is self-powered leads one to harness his or her own self-powered mind and ideas.

If you are unfamiliar with the experience, long-ish distance cycling is quite an affecting experience. Mr. Byrne has experienced a feeling that is experienced by many choosing a bicycle as their usual mode of transportation. Riding around Boston, there are many people on bicycles that undoubtedly are each experiencing their own mini-conclusions, -questions and -epiphanies. In the past 3 months living in Boston and Cambridge, I have discovered a little bit of interesting unique touches to this area. I live in east Cambridge, across the street from a large park and a 5 minute bike ride to M.I.T..

Many many things are accessible by bicycle from here and so this makes life very easy. Cambridge, and to some extent Boston, has many bicycle lanes on their streets. While not perfect, they are a great improvement to what I am used to. In a way, I believe that I am going to be quite spoiled, they are so abundant. Riding down southeast through M.I.T. is how I usually get to the Harvard Bridge to ride over the Charles River into Boston. I love that ride over the bridge so much. At night it is particularly dramatic. If Andrew (my roommate) and I ride together over the bridge, one of us usually manages to exclaim "I can't believe we live here!". Usually the yelling is drowned out by the cars and busses buzzing by amid a dazzle of city lights in the near distance to the left and right. Most days of the week I would expect to not cross over into Boston. Usually I am spending most of my time either at home or at work. The bike ride to work contrasts significantly from the ride into Boston. I work in Belmont, a township that is west of Cambridge. In recent weeks the trek (ha, I ride a Trek bicycle) has been decorated by fall foliage with leaves littering the sides two-lane roads through small neighborhoods. I really enjoy the fact that I pass two lakes, one of which is belongs to the local high school and is ringed by a park. Belmont is in a county that pays the most taxes in the state. My workplace, Mclean Hospital, is situated on a large hill in the middle of the town and as seen from a distance as I slowly approach, is covered in brilliant trees.

I think the end of this weekend is one of the most appropriate times to write about cycling in Boston. The Daylight savings time change that has occurred over the past night has resulted in a much earlier sunset and when combined with the extraordinarily good weather that we experienced in the past 2 days, I am reminded that bicycling season is over. Yesterday was Halloween Saturday and I managed to use all 3 of my bicycles extensively during the course of the day. Beginning in the morning after baking chocolate-chip scones in our oven, I took my commuter cycle to Jamaica Plain southwest of Boston to visit the Bikes Not Bombs co-operative. This organization has been operating for 23 years and after receiving donations from the community of unwanted cycles, packages them to be shipped to Africa or other countries that have their own exploding used bicycle market like Guatemala and Ghana. I enjoy volunteering there and there exists of course an entire network of people around this shop. It also reminds me my bike co-op I helped start in Ann Arbor, MI. The types of bikes that are commonly encountered and also the programs they do are all established and mature versions of ideas that we had back in Michigan. And they have a ton more space and even multiple buildings that are used for their operations.

Andrew was running errands while I was gone and we agreed to meet up in the early afternoon to go on a long-delayed roommate bike ride. So we put on our cycling shorts and mounted our road bikes to ride to Mclean so I could show him my hospital and then we took a turn south through Watertown and Newton to pick up some craigslist purchases: Backpack, wooden cutting board, iron, glass measuring container, french press, espresso maker, two espresso cups and saucers. Everything but the backpack was 20 dollars. Many of our purchases made for the apartment in the last 2 months have been from Craigslist. We are voracious consumers through that website. The beautiful thing about Boston is that by bike, nearly everything is accessible. And it is also likely when you mount your bicycle that you will take less time reaching your destination than a person stepping out his or her door and walking to a bus-stop. This is the best reality there is when you are using your body to reach a destination. My trip to work takes 30 minutes by bike and 50 minutes by public transit! So not only are Andrew and I reaching our places faster, we obtain our purchases of nearly all of our goods from within Boston, using a system of bicycle lanes and our own legs. Unfortunately this isn't true with food (yet…). Traveling home we rode through more small towns that run into each other (Brighton and Allston) on our way into Boston, stopping to check the dumpsters of some bike shops for treasure and also for some coffee.

The beautiful evening continued as I came home to put on my bright red union suit and took my fixed-gear back into Boston. Being Halloween, there was organized a spectacular parade of costumed cyclists to travel through the squares of Boston and Cambridge. I missed the beginning, which was starting back down in Jamaica Plain, so I crossed the River and sat down in Kenmore Square near Boston University, waiting. I observed several bus-loads of costumed ghouls and sexy-maids filing out of and filling up buses, costumed young people moving up and down the street. And then! A bright announcement of that which I had been waiting fore: A cycle with a large stick pushing out of the back of it, brightly lit and driven by a cow. The parade snaked through Kenmore square to the chagrin of taxi drivers and to the delight of pedestrians and I joined in, a perfect rendezvous. Bicycles carrying speakers and stereos joined in playing Ramones songs and disco music, people were yelling and whistling, moving slowly enough so that the parade would not thin out and allow cars to weave dangerously in between the riders. Even after the front of the parade moved out of Kenmore square, the tail of the snake had not even entered! It was quite a site and I was proud to be part of it. With so many people out on the town, we had a permanent croud cheering us on. Quite dramatic and quite fun.

The parade could be interpreted as a canary for bicycle transportation culture vitality. With such a diverse turn out last night it made me feel really good about being a regular cyclist on these streets. May there be more reports about Boston and Cambridge bicycling from this blog. Maybe this kind of direction is what this website needs in order to keep going. Change might be in good order and healthy for a blog that has lasted this long.

“Well, one could even almost say that we have a model for God.”

2009-10-14T07:51:00.004-04:00

The CERN Large Hadron Collider creeps me out. Really interesting article about its fate in the NYTimes this morning. Truly fascinating.

I met a new friend here in Boston named Kawan and this is his uncle!

Libra

2009-09-25T09:06:00.001-04:00

This is an excellent time to celebrate the pleasures of emptiness . . . to extol the virtues of the blank slate . . . to be open to endless possibilities but committed to none . . . to bask in the freedom of not having to be anything, anyone, or anywhere. Are you smart enough to need no motto to live by? Are you resourceful enough to rely on nothing but the raw truth of the present moment? If so, you will thrive in the coming days.

Inside to Outside

2009-09-18T01:07:00.005-04:00

Have you ever gone to a museum and seen an exhibit or a work of art and felt like you were in love with the world? That is a silly question? Does it happen to you? I feel like I empathize with creativity. It triggers in me a response that makes me want to rush out and express myself.

Here are two thoughts to bring that big thought up there into focus.

1. My mother is a psychiatrist and with older individuals that struggle with drug abuse and addiction. It is interesting that in this city and in the environment I find myself socially sometimes, people are quite fascinated with why I am here in the first place. ("Whoa, what a name! I've never heard one like that before...") "Where is that name from?" and so I explain. I've had to explain my history many times to strangers in recent weeks... a lot. And it forces me to confront my history. Why am I here? Things more often than not spiral back to my mother and her efforts to become a doctor in this country. People are confused, though, amazed. What happened in Russia around 1992, something with the collapse of the Soviet Union. Huh, what did happen there? What does a sponsor family do? Why did he lose his language? What is West Virginia like? The questions that I am confronted with, directly and indirectly, eventually force me to re-evaluate them, too. I have a history that I seem to lose sight of at times. If I stand in a museum like I did on Thursday at the ICA in Boston , I become separated from those questions. My emotions are universal, inspirational. I am lifted out of my body! I float on the beauty of two artists I learned about. philip-lorca diCorcia and Damian Ortega[see above].

That is the emotion where I feel endless love. I want to rush out and create. My mother told me a story about one of her patients. She had him deconstruct the word ExPress. Ex has latin roots and means to go out or away from, out from within. Press could be loosely associated with pressure. Expression is the release of pressure from within. Art makes me want to release that pressure that I have after a long day of silence and observation and frustration, after a week of wide-eyed ferocious labor at the lab, 10 things on a check-list, marked off one by one. It is amazing how much I can store inside of my body. I am but a speck in the universe and, like an atom, can release much energy. The task: find creativity.

2. empathy. A theory on empathy, the significance of yawning. Yawning when someone else yawns is a good sign. Can you feel the feelings other experience? What does it mean to feel what others feel? Does everything in my mind, my subconscious, have a structural, cellular correlate? Yes... I do believe this is true. The mystery of neuroscience is the elucidation of how protein and voltage potential and physical change at the cellular level results in consciousness, art, expression, emotion. Why do I yawn when you yawn? Mirror cells exist in our brains that activate when we observe others doing an action or feeling an emotion. And these cells activate in the regions of our brains that would be active if we ourselves were doing the action or feeling the emotion. I seem to recall that the level of activity when we are empathizing is at about 20% if we were doing it ourselves. Yawning could indicate that you are an empathetic person. If I see a work of art that moves me, do I activate my own creativity? Is it then surprising that my mind spirals off into its own creative processes? No... but how do I harness that? Strengthen that desire to create? I believe it is possible. Practice. Where to start, huh? Well, I decided to begin bringing my journal to museums and writing as I experience the situation. I think that would be fantastic. I will see where that leads me.

---
Also, I want to have a small exhibition here of my own. I wanted to explain about patterns. What patterns do I see in my life? What negative and positive patterns happen to me that I perceive and also that I fall into. Fall into indicates a sense of negativity and I do believe I have negative patterns in my behavior. When I was little my mother explained to me how my nail biting gets wired into my brain to a ferocious degree. So from then on I had quite a concept of behavior being structurally based in the mind. Yes. This is reinforced by continuing the behavior and if you want it to stop, it seems logical that you must practice the opposite, to really reorganize your mind. It is quite healthy, I think. Expound, expound, posit, posit.

to patterns:

to chaos:

and to a fellow explorer of both:

The Human Brain

2009-08-22T21:01:00.002-04:00

weighs an average of 3 pounds in a man and two pounds, twelve ounces in a woman. It is the size of two clenched fists held tightly together.

The capacity of the human brain has been expressed as the number one followed by 6.5 million miles of zeros - a number so large that it would stretch from the earth to the moon and back again more than thirteen times.

Going Strong.

2009-08-20T23:12:00.003-04:00

Many things are moving. Fast! I am caught up in a new life that lays all around me. Currently, I am reading a book called Letters to a Young Poet and I couldn't have been found by this book at a more perfect time. My first weekend I found a craigslist advertisement for a free stuff give-away and ended up carrying a plastic bag covered arm-load of books home with me through the rain. Among these titles was this book by Ranier Maria Rilke. The author encourages a young man to embrace the trials of living in this world. Everyone is alone but people seem to forget that the aloneness is what actually allows us to grow. I am not alone in my life. Many people care about me and love me, yet still I live in infinite space of possibility. Tonight I saw a man that works at the Adult Education Center where I take my art class on the street and approached him. I introduced myself. The interesting thing I learned today from Mr. Rilke is something about risk in life. I combined this with principles I recently learned about the evolving brain and thought about risk. What is taking risk in life? Thought processes and thought mechanisms in the brain are thought to be adaptive. People, genetically, possess rules and guidelines for thought and interpreting the world. Our brains have evolved certain capabilities that are seen in many people. Binocular vision, language and syntax, emotions... Everyone has them because they evolved. And what about risk? I thought today that it was healthy for us to experience risk because our ancestors experienced it everyday. We feel good when we do something challenging or possibly risky because we have minds that are created to use risk to grow. I grow.

On sunday I went on an Epic trip to the beach, literally and figuratively. I forgot how much I love my road bike. I love it so much. And how empowering is it to pick up and ride to the beach? Wow! So much energy.

I thought you would appreciate my friend I met near my new house in Cambridge. I took a picture of him for you.

I then went to fix my bike...

...before the Epic trip!

Hello from Boston, MA!

2009-08-03T21:06:00.004-04:00

Today was my first day of work at my new job. To be direct, I am filling out my W-4 tax form right now (which, I just figured out [all by myself!] is to tell the govm'nt how much money to take from you so you don't have to pay them later and be screwed) as a non-dependent. Oh yes.

Why does this always have to be about me? This blog, I mean. Perhaps it is because that is all I really know about right now. I know that I enjoyed my first day of work today. I know that it took me about 50 minutes to get there today. I know I had to walk up a long, gradual hill for 15 minutes after I got off the bus and then was really sweaty, flustered, embarrassed. Embarrassed that I forgot my passport and my belt and my lunch and had no tax forms with me. I forgot my pen in the human resources department. A dream, a whirl of novelty today.

New faces, new people. New laboratory. Its like being away from your parents for the first time! Different protocols, roles, habits, like different dinners, kitchens' silverware drawers, smells. I have a new desk, no longer by a window but by a fume hood. I spoke for an hour with my new professor today about science, asking questions, trying to follow, getting overwhelmed but nevertheless feeling satisfied, leaving the office with a stack of reading material. But this was all good! I feel at home, appreciated. I look forward to being there tomorrow.

Reeling.

"Variations on a Fragment by Trumbull Stickney"

I hear a river thro' the valley wander

Whose water runs, the song alone remaining.

A rainbow stands and summer passes under,

Flowing like silence in the light of wonder.

IN the near distances it is still raining

Where now the valley fills again with thunder,

Where now the river in her wide meander,

Losing at each loop what she had been gaining,

Moves into what one might as well call yonder.

The way of the dark water is to ponder

The way the light sings as of something waning.

The far-off waterfall can sound asunder

Stillness of distances, as if in blunder,

Tumbling over the rim of all explaining.

Water proves nothing, but can only maunder.

Shadows show nothing, but can only launder

The lovely land that sunset had been staining,

Long fields of which the falling light grows fonder.

Here summer stands while all its songs pass under,

A riverbank still time runs by, remaining.

I will remember rainbows as I wander.

-Mr. John Hollander

And now, encroaching the sea.

Last day in Ann Arbor, first in Boston

2009-07-24T08:12:00.004-04:00

It was interesting that while packing up my room in Ann Arbor, I spent a lot of time nonetheless engaging everyone I possibly could. I have been really focused on this idea that departure does not have to be a severance of bridges and connections but should be perhaps an affirmation of the linkages that do occur have been present between me and other people.

I call it, "Saying hello instead of saying goodbye."

This idea has been inspired by several experiences and people in my life that have passed by me and through me this summer (and stuck to me, I must add). I do believe that something passed around between two very important people in my life, when it finally landed in my lap, helped me to bring together all that I have learned this summer. I am including it in the body of this post. You do not have to read it but it is there and it is important.

Today I write from a hotel in Boston, Massachusetts. I am far from things I know well and now am confronted with a set of skills, ready to approach things I could only imagine I understand. Ready? Am I ready? Well, at least I sort of know how to think. I am confident that I am.

This Commencement was delivered May 21, 2005 at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio.

(If anybody feels like perspiring [cough], I'd advise you to go ahead, because I'm sure going to. In fact I'm gonna [mumbles while pulling up his gown and taking out a handkerchief from his pocket].) Greetings ["parents"?] and congratulations to Kenyon's graduating class of 2005. There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

This is a standard requirement of US commencement speeches, the deployment of didactic little parable-ish stories. The story ["thing"] turns out to be one of the better, less bullshitty conventions of the genre, but if you're worried that I plan to present myself here as the wise, older fish explaining what water is to you younger fish, please don't be. I am not the wise old fish. The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance, or so I wish to suggest to you on this dry and lovely morning.

Of course the main requirement of speeches like this is that I'm supposed to talk about your liberal arts education's meaning, to try to explain why the degree you are about to receive has actual human value instead of just a material payoff. So let's talk about the single most pervasive cliché in the commencement speech genre, which is that a liberal arts education is not so much about filling you up with knowledge as it is about quote teaching you how to think. If you're like me as a student, you've never liked hearing this, and you tend to feel a bit insulted by the claim that you needed anybody to teach you how to think, since the fact that you even got admitted to a college this good seems like proof that you already know how to think. But I'm going to posit to you that the liberal arts cliché turns out not to be insulting at all, because the really significant education in thinking that we're supposed to get in a place like this isn't really about the capacity to think, but rather about the choice of what to think about. If your total freedom of choice regarding what to think about seems too obvious to waste time discussing, I'd ask you to think about fish and water, and to bracket for just a few minutes your skepticism about the value of the totally obvious.

Here's another didactic little story. There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says: "Look, it's not like I don't have actual reasons for not believing in God. It's not like I haven't ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn't see a thing, and it was fifty below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out 'Oh, God, if there is a God, I'm lost in this blizzard, and I'm gonna die if you don't help me.'" And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. "Well then you must believe now," he says, "After all, here you are, alive." The atheist just rolls his eyes. "No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp."

It's easy to run this story through kind of a standard liberal arts analysis: the exact same experience can mean two totally different things to two different people, given those people's two different belief templates and two different ways of constructing meaning from experience. Because we prize tolerance and diversity of belief, nowhere in our liberal arts analysis do we want to claim that one guy's interpretation is true and the other guy's is false or bad. Which is fine, except we also never end up talking about just where these individual templates and beliefs come from. Meaning, where they come from INSIDE the two guys. As if a person's most basic orientation toward the world, and the meaning of his experience were somehow just hard-wired, like height or shoe-size; or automatically absorbed from the culture, like language. As if how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice. Plus, there's the whole matter of arrogance. The nonreligious guy is so totally certain in his dismissal of the possibility that the passing Eskimos had anything to do with his prayer for help. True, there are plenty of religious people who seem arrogant and certain of their own interpretations, too. They're probably even more repulsive than atheists, at least to most of us. But religious dogmatists' problem is exactly the same as the story's unbeliever: blind certainty, a close-mindedness that amounts to an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn't even know he's locked up.

The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way, as I predict you graduates will, too.

Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.

Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted", which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

Given the triumphant academic setting here, an obvious question is how much of this work of adjusting our default setting involves actual knowledge or intellect. This question gets very tricky. Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education -- least in my own case -- is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about quote the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master.

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth. It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in: the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.

By way of example, let's say it's an average adult day, and you get up in the morning, go to your challenging, white-collar, college-graduate job, and you work hard for eight or ten hours, and at the end of the day you're tired and somewhat stressed and all you want is to go home and have a good supper and maybe unwind for an hour, and then hit the sack early because, of course, you have to get up the next day and do it all again. But then you remember there's no food at home. You haven't had time to shop this week because of your challenging job, and so now after work you have to get in your car and drive to the supermarket. It's the end of the work day and the traffic is apt to be: very bad. So getting to the store takes way longer than it should, and when you finally get there, the supermarket is very crowded, because of course it's the time of day when all the other people with jobs also try to squeeze in some grocery shopping. And the store is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out; you have to wander all over the huge, over-lit store's confusing aisles to find the stuff you want and you have to maneuver your junky cart through all these other tired, hurried people with carts (et cetera, et cetera, cutting stuff out because this is a long ceremony) and eventually you get all your supper supplies, except now it turns out there aren't enough check-out lanes open even though it's the end-of-the-day rush. So the checkout line is incredibly long, which is stupid and infuriating. But you can't take your frustration out on the frantic lady working the register, who is overworked at a job whose daily tedium and meaninglessness surpasses the imagination of any of us here at a prestigious college.

But anyway, you finally get to the checkout line's front, and you pay for your food, and you get told to "Have a nice day" in a voice that is the absolute voice of death. Then you have to take your creepy, flimsy, plastic bags of groceries in your cart with the one crazy wheel that pulls maddeningly to the left, all the way out through the crowded, bumpy, littery parking lot, and then you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, SUV-intensive, rush-hour traffic, et cetera et cetera.

Everyone here has done this, of course. But it hasn't yet been part of you graduates' actual life routine, day after week after month after year.

But it will be. And many more dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines besides. But that is not the point. The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it's going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.
Or, of course, if I'm in a more socially conscious liberal arts form of my default setting, I can spend time in the end-of-the-day traffic being disgusted about all the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, forty-gallon tanks of gas, and I can dwell on the fact that the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest [responding here to loud applause] (this is an example of how NOT to think, though) most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. And I can think about how our children's children will despise us for wasting all the future's fuel, and probably screwing up the climate, and how spoiled and stupid and selfish and disgusting we all are, and how modern consumer society just sucks, and so forth and so on.

You get the idea.

If I choose to think this way in a store and on the freeway, fine. Lots of us do. Except thinking this way tends to be so easy and automatic that it doesn't have to be a choice. It is my natural default setting. It's the automatic way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.

The thing is that, of course, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations. In this traffic, all these vehicles stopped and idling in my way, it's not impossible that some of these people in SUV's have been in horrible auto accidents in the past, and now find driving so terrifying that their therapist has all but ordered them to get a huge, heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough to drive. Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.

Or I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.

Again, please don't think that I'm giving you moral advice, or that I'm saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it. Because it's hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won't be able to do it, or you just flat out won't want to.

But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you what to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.
Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving and [unintelligible -- sounds like "displayal"]. The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

I know that this stuff probably doesn't sound fun and breezy or grandly inspirational the way a commencement speech is supposed to sound. What it is, as far as I can see, is the capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away. You are, of course, free to think of it whatever you wish. But please don't just dismiss it as just some finger-wagging Dr. Laura sermon. None of this stuff is really about morality or religion or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death.

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.

It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water."

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

I wish you way more than luck.

I want to thank these people:

,Matt Bendure (who took most of these photographs), Alex, Bill, Shaelyn, Kayla, Melissa, Chris, Marshall, Matt Bourke for their friendship this final year of college and especially this summer. Strength and health to all of you this next year.

Good luck, away we go.

Humanity [specks] in the Universe

2009-07-19T22:55:00.001-04:00

"Thousands of years ago, tribes of human beings suffered great privations in the struggle to survive. In this struggle it was important not only to be able to handle a club, but also to possess the ability to think reasonably, to take care of the knowledge and experience garnered by the tribe, and to develop the links that would provide cooperation with other tribes. Today the entire human race is faced with a similar test. In infinite space many civilizations are bound to exist, among them civilizations that are also wiser and more "successful" than ours. I support the cosmological hypothesis which states that the development of the universe is repeated in its basic features an infinite number of times. In accordance with this, other civilizations, including more "successful" ones, should exist an infinite number of times on the "preceding" and the "following" pages of the Book of the Universe. Yet this should not minimize our sacred endeavors in this world of ours, where, like faint glimmers of light in the dark, we have emerged for a moment from the nothingness of dark unconsciousness of material existence. We must make good the demands of reason and create a life worthy of ourselves and of the goals we only dimly perceive."
-Андрей Сахаров

Monumental ends

2009-07-17T14:00:00.003-04:00

So much finalization today it is astounding.

But one can grow from endings. No losing sight of the beginnings that await today and further.

And no state holds me within its bounds

2009-07-12T10:35:00.002-04:00

I certainly believe that my life will certainly not end after I move out of Ann Arbor, though recently I have been feeling a very familiar feeling: being overwhelmed with activity and stimulation! Perhaps my body is interpreting this anxiety as life threatening and I am feeling pretty stressed out. Things need to get done and as you can see perhaps, blogging has not been a priority. Well, it has been a priority and something that I have desperately wanted to do, but somehow it hasn't worked out. I have been very very active recently, and even traveling across the Midwest...

New front door, same address
Same front step, same back-porch
Geraniums to the terrace
Sold my shoes to pay the rent
I won't be needing them
I won't be leaving too soon

Oh my dear, do undress
You look so different in those new shoes
To impress someone you have never met
Someone you already know
Is waiting behind my front door

And by the door you know I'll wait
Oh, by the window, by the gate
I'm waiting for your sound
So softly, dear, don't hesitate

The lion looms along the lake
And swallows every sound
But oh, I wish that I could take
That simple lonely way

That long cold lonely way
But these days it takes more than two feet
It takes four to fill the road
I fend and swing the axe at for

I've trampled all over the place
Swung to and fro and still no state
Has held me in its bounds

But by the bridge I'd like to stay
Oh, by the ocean, by the bay
And hope that you'll come around

Oh, my dear, do undress
You look so different in those new clothes
To impress someone you have never met
I'm the one needing you
I'm the one with no shoes

So by the door you know I'll wait
Oh, looking out the golden gate
She yawns into the morning...

-Ms. Carolyn Riggs

The beginning of July, how important it is recently.
I've been learning a lot recently about Associations:

I got to see Caitlin again when I traveled to Madison up from Chicago.

here she is studying for Nepali on the capital lawn, a place that she loves.

[photocredit: Ms. C. Shrestha]

[photocredit: Ms. C. Shrestha]

I am myself getting ready to move. 2 weeks from today things will happen like that. I've booked my truck and have found a place to stay for a few days in Boston while I look for a temporary place in August and then I will have to find a permanent place for the year. It is quite exciting. I have been experiencing a lot of stress, however, in regards to this leaving process and the reality that I am leaving the place I have called home for 4 years now. It seems like I should be just excited and happy, and yet, it is hard. I am unsure about what it is, separation? Fear of loneliness and boredom? I have been projecting this anger and I need to channel it. i've been getting frustrated with the fact that i have so many things to do before the move but i have plenty of time to do them, I just need to make myself get them accomplished. This involves saying no to friends sometimes and also saying no to the desire to go and sit on the porch for a while. Busy-ness. business... And I am also sad about the fact that my job is ending this Friday. It will be quite sad. I better make the last 2 weeks awesome and make myself feel good instead of upset, that would be a tough memory to have of this beautiful place. i will always think of Michigan. Michigan may be a dream to me in the future, but I will know it was real at some point. Adieu, Michigan. Aufwiedersehen, Досвидание.

Wheel Build!

2009-07-09T17:39:00.002-04:00

Someday I hope to move on to motorcycles!

Dirty Projectors in Chicago

2009-07-09T17:35:00.004-04:00

I went to Chicago to visit my friend Matt and to see one of my favorite bands play for free at Millennium Park (they played in the ampitheater designed by Frank Gehry!) The Dirty Projectors did not disappoint and I hadn't been to a concert of a band that I really followed and admired for a long time. Knowing the lyrics and the beats and melodies was really fun!

And I spent a good amount of time with my friend Matt, who I met at Biostation. One day we walked 60 blocks and just talked the whole time. It was a great exercise for me to talk and express myself fully to someone, and it was of course comforting to have a good and like-minded friend to do that with.

Tonka sculptcha in the courtya'

Millennium Garden pavilions made me wonder where rain water flows down them and in them

The evolution exhibit at the Field Museum (curated by Neil Shubin, author of a book I read this summer Your Inner Fish)

The Bean- a sculpture that I believe examines the relationship between time and space

Here you can see how it bends time and space so gracefully. Most people think this thing is now cliche but I think its amazing.

Matt! and a girl totally ripping on her burrito.

So amazing to get such great images!

June 23

2009-06-23T01:40:00.000-04:00

If on a summer afternoon a man should find himself
in love with only one woman
in a sea of women, all the others mere half-naked
swimmers and floaters, and if that one woman
therefore is clad in radiance
while the mere others are burdened by their bikinis,
then what does he do with a world
suddenly so small, the once unbiased sun
shining solely on her? And if that afternoon
turns dark, fat clouds like critics dampening
the already wet sea, does the man run—
he normally would—for cover, or does he dive
deeper in, get so wet he is beyond wetness
in all underworld utterly hers? And when
he comes up for air, as he must,
when he dries off and dresses up, as he must,
how will the pedestrian streets feel?
What will the street lamps illuminate? How exactly
will he hold her so that everyone can see
she doesn't belong to him, and he won't let go?

-mr. stephen dunn

Detroit is Really Beautiful

2009-06-16T14:28:00.008-04:00

This past weekend I spent a good amount of time in Detroit. It was really exciting to go there and even more exciting to really feel happy there. I haven't had too many experiences there prior to this year that made me feel really interested and impressed with the city. Especially this past spring, I've come to really appreciate the place and the work and dedication that people pour into living there. I told a friend that the city breaks my heart. This is particularly true as I prepare to leave Michigan. I believe this past weekend really helped me appreciate what I will be leaving behind. Ann Arbor included, the people I've met, things I've missed out on, having no idea about them in the first place. I hope to return at least once more to the city before I go, it really is a beautiful place.

I have a lot of things to show from the trip. Lets see... Friday a number of us drove out to the city to watch the Red Wings play in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals (at a bar, not actually at the stadium). This involved a walk through Corktown.

Some pals, Matt, Geoff and Matt

About to walk across the highway

We got to see the old Tiger Stadium being torn down. Controversial because of the amount of effort put into trying to save it.

My favorite picture of the day.

On Saturday I took the train back to the city to spend time with Matt Lewis. I was nervous about the really different kind of weekend, about not staying in Ann Arbor and about doing something new, but it ended up being really incredible. Matt picked me up from the station and we walked to his house, walking past the Detroit Institute of Arts and the Public Library. Matt works at the public library.

That night we went to Lafeyette Coney Island, which is a hot dog stand, and ate some really good dogs, fries, pie, coffee and beer. Traveling around the city was by bicycle, which was one of the most exhilarating experiences I've had in a while. The streets are so flat and riding fast is a breeze, and the city is also really large, so any bike traveling takes a long time compared with Ann Arbor, I loved it! It made so much more sense to have a bicycle, and I look forward to my bicycling days in Boston. We went to the Majestic Theater just to check out a band that I got free tickets for from WCBN (thanks Geoff!). After a little bit of that, we met up with Matt's friends at his neighborhood bar and I spent a long time talking with some French filmmakers about Ghostbusters and art, it was really fun to listen to them. Seemed like very well-rounded people!

The next morning Matt's mom was selling some perfume at Macy's in Eastland, and the perfume company financed the publication of an EP by Matt's cousin, a singer songwriter. We went to this mall to help sell perfume, but ended up just hanging out in our nice suits.
Matt looked awesome

The artist

Matt's Mom sellin' 'fumes

It was a pretty spontaneous experience, but really worth the trip out to the city. The end of the trip was spent eating big burgers and drinkin' beer in the afternoon, a slow walk to the train station by myself and a doze on the train on my way back to Ann Arbor. Not many more "back to Ann Arbor"'s left, you know. When asked for some post-graduate tips, a Resident Detroiter told me to take advantage of opportunities where having an open mind will be beneficial. I liked that advice, I liked my weekend.

and an interesting clipping.

When you get to the fork in the road, take it.

Ishmael

2009-06-11T20:24:00.002-04:00

I recently finished a book that I thought was very interesting. It is called Ishmael by Daniel Quinn.

The book is pretty much just a conversation between a man and a gorilla. It discusses this idea that western cultures have significantly diverged from the laws that all other creatures (and indigenous human cultures) follow. Since the agricultural revolution, humans have not only diverged, but altogether rejected the laws of competition that make the planet ecologically sound. Learning to plant food for ourselves instead of living the hunter-gatherer lifestyle has allowed our populations to grow beyond carrying capacities of our local regions. This forces us to expand cultivation. We exterminate other species that get in the way of this. The decrease in diversity that has occurred in recent times is limiting competition with us, but also that decrease in competitive adaptations that normally exist in ecosystems will affect the rate of evolution and the development of other complex creatures. Our culture assumes that man is the pinnacle of evolution, that now we are the greatest creature. We have removed ourselves (we think) from the competitive laws that affect all creatures. How do we expect to continue evolving if we have no competitors? We exterminate and kill and assume we have the power to decide what dies and what lives. How did native americans live? Accepting of their place in nature, reaping the fruits of their own garden of eden, allowing for change and for the need to adapt to a climate or a landscape. We force the earth to adapt to us. It is quite scary, the modes of thinking I've gained since finishing this book, and there are so many layers to it too. There is a choice humanity can make, to invite other creatures in instead of forcing them out. As the first complex, self-aware organism on the planet, we are stewards of the idea that we don't have to destroy everything. If we didn't come about, other creatures would have fulfilled this role themselves, we are not hte end of evolution. This story made me think about this:

Return of the Once-Rare Beaver? Not in My Yard.

While on a run a red-winged blackbird attacked me, chiding me for coming close to its nest, a quick snap and impact with its claws on the back of my head. I'm sorry, blackbird, you do have a point.

^Jump^

2009-06-11T19:42:00.003-04:00

Can you believe it, I took a day off from work. On Wednesday a friend of mine had planned a bicycle trip north to swim in a lake, and I planned accordingly to not be at work that day. Since I now have 4 undergraduates working for me at the lab, and they are supposed to be replacing me when I leave forever next month, I decided it would be a good exercise for them to do a day on their own. I typed up instructions for each group, was very deliberate, strict and precise with what I wanted done, and closed up Tuesday afternoon.

The next morning was cloudy as Geoff and I rode down to meet our group at Wheeler Park. I packed the remains of my Cheese Beer bread in my pack, brought a bathing suit, a change of socks and some flip-flops, ready for an afternoon at the lake. No one was there at the meeting spot. Geoff and I call the organizer of the trip who told us he decided that it wasn't the kind of weather he was looking for, and we would reschedule. What are two boys to do in this situation? True, it was cloudy, but no where near cold or rainy. We decided to go on our own trip, to go find a place to swim ourselves! Yea! Off to Sparrow for some fruit to bring with us (I sat outside until the coast was clear) and we departed to Dexter with some bananas, nut mix, peaches and of course my bread! It was quite a great ride, the wind, running into great great smooth pavement that made our thin, high-pressure tires sing with pleasant vibrations, nice conversation interjected with periods of focused silent exertion up hills and along side passing cars.

After lunch by the river, we reached Dexter and turned around on Joy road, which is a beautiful lane arched over by tree branches and framed by green farmland and big red barns. This was followed by a ride through a sub development devoid of trees and any life in the large houses. We stood on the hill overlooking the valley, and descended for our final trip home down Huron River Drive. Towards town, the road was seriously closed, completely closed with paving equipment and tar, so we circumvented that obstacle on some dirt roads, ending up at the end of the paved trail that runs along the Huron from the dam near Main Street. Coming out of the woods on my road bike, I slipped and fell. A bloody knee was exactly the kind of trophy I wanted for that day, I thought, as I brushed myself off and looked to my right. A small rail-road bridge. I had hung out there with some older kids when I was a sophomore once, and we walked out over it to check out the view. We hadn't gone swimming yet, we realized as we looked at the water from the iron bridge. To our right, someone had painted the word "Jump" on the edge, with arrows pointing out into the open air. So we stared at the word, then back at the water, back to the word, then finally at each other. We had to. As far as I was concerned, I was still in College, being in this town.

Stripping out of our clothes and throwing our shoes down to the bank, we stood on the edge of the bridge. The sun had long come out and the gravel was hot beneath our feet, sweat dried in our hair, my knee oozed blood. We knew that life was here, life was in that free fall that awaited us, accompanied by a yelp of glee and surprise at just how high up and overwhelming our push out into freedom really was. GASP! I jump in first, the feeling of my stomach in my throat so familiar and yet so welcome, so so wonderful. The water amazing, refreshing, the current gentle yet noticeable, Geoff following in after me we yelled in echoing triumph under the steel bridge, climbing out of the water and feeling pretty happy with ourselves. How adventurous, how stimulated our friendship, how wonderful that the sun did end up coming out. The ride home slow and reflecting. A simultaneous feeling of satisfaction and excitement, youth and independence.

I told this story to my mother who howled with laughter at the fact that not only were we told to jump in, it was actually written there! Those words were there at the beginning of our ride, waiting. She also said it was a pretty big deal that we didn't let anyone impede our desire of wanting to swim or go for a bike ride. We created an event ourselves after almost being denied.

Haha as we rode towards Dexter we celebrated the bicycle, the machine of one man, powering himself towards his future, towards the moment of weightlessness that is and remains to become his lost little life.

In Boston Harbor, but a World Away

2009-06-10T00:27:00.001-04:00

http://travel.nytimes.com/2008/07/18/travel/escapes/18boston.html?scp=28&sq=boston&st=cse

Beginning of June, 2009!

2009-06-08T23:39:00.004-04:00

The summer progresses. Spring impacted and, its drama receding, has left us with a thick canopy in each tree above the 504 Catherine St. residence of yours truly and his friends. Been spending more and more time at the laboratory, finishing my responsibilities to the best of my abilities, learning to balance obligations, learning to work with people that need my help, instead of acting resentful. My time may be precious, but I can certainly help someone for a little bit. Here is an image representing the work that I've been doing for the past 6 months at least. Probably more like since September. This is a mouse muscle cut in cross-section, and each circle is a muscle cell. Muscle cells are pretty neat. They are very long and contract, each one creating a tiny little bit of force, each one pulling on another, each one additively contributing to the force the entire muscle creates. Fascinating. This muscle is the Soleus, the muscle that lets your foot pronate, so it pulls the arch toward the ground. Each red cell is a slow twitch muscle cell and each blue one is a fast twitch muscle cell. This muscle is more of a posture supporting muscle and therefore it has more slow-twitch cells, because these kinds of cells fatigue less easily...

the green is collagen in between cells. I developed this type of stain, its never been seen in publication, so my images are quite exciting, and I may get an image in a paper sometime soon.

Aside from work, I am riding my road bike a little more frequently and also playing kickball once a week.

I also made bread following a recipe donated by Kenley Jackson, of Sitka Alaska. Beer Cheddar Cheese.

355ml = 12 oz. of beer.

it tasted super good, everyone! To recommend some artists to listen to, please enjoy Abner Jay and Edith Piaf. Please enjoy http://www.ted.com/talks

To travelers

2009-06-01T09:28:00.003-04:00

To travelers, those speeding into the next,
Where did everything begin?
Meeting during simple lives, middle school,
high, college summer camps,
now there is no structure like them, right?

I've never known anyone close
that died in a young age. Today I am still
sore because of my health, and the rain helps
support my sagging spirits, I feel like it is
still possible to get myself up.

What kind of death occurs in youth?
Departure, sadness, maturity, adulthood,
yea, I can only deal with a few right now.
You, traveler, how I know you are embracing
all possible. I sit for you today.

-------

I bought a large New England sweater and some paintbrushes. A whole set for me now. I can't wait to use them both.

Good luck, traveler.

Construction Sails, Huge Vine

2009-05-30T09:24:00.002-04:00

Pats on the back

2009-05-30T09:00:00.001-04:00

Shorty George by Smith Casey

2009-05-28T15:27:00.000-04:00

Mmmm, wonder what's the matter now
Lord, what's the matter now
[Down this path] by myself

Yes, he died on the road
Yes, he died on the road
Had no money to money to pay his board

Ah, he was a friend of mine
Yes, he wa a friend of mine
Every time I think now I just can't keep from crying

I stole away and cried
Yes, stole away and cried
Never had no money, now I wasn't satisfied

I wonder what's the matter now
Lord, wonder that's the matter now
Ain't got no letter, Lord
Don't need no letter, no how

I'm 'bout to lose my mind
I'm 'bout to lose my mind
Gonna spend some time
By this great long line

How am I not who I am?

2009-05-26T16:32:00.002-04:00

I worry that I don't spend enough time learning. To address this, I have been spending a lot of time reading. Or at least what I consider a lot of time. So far, this has included only a handful of articles and the beginning of a book. The reading process is now involving note-taking into a big journal. And that's ok! I like it, I feel like I retain the knowledge better. And if I don't necessarily remember, I will better remember that it happened. I can't say that I necessarily remember all of the books that I've read in the past, but I do remember how I sat and wrote about a book once, a reflection on Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. Never did that again, but I remember that it happened.

Recent readings include an articles on V.S. Ramachandran, a very peculiar and noted neurologist (inspiring scientist), George Orwell's death, and a 72 year long Harvard study in which male Harvard College graduates from the 1930's were followed for their entire lifetimes to find correlations between different lifestyles/character traits and ultimate happiness. While I learned some good information about the mind from the Ramachandran article, the article about happiness is really the most important for me right now. It really turns out that no man of the 80 some people followed was ever truly happy as we imagine it. There was a top 10, but over the course of 72 years, only 3 men actually held a place in it the entire time, and even they had issues, most likely ones that they were not reporting to the study. More over, if they were not reporting them it is possible that it was because they were not aware of those issues or defended against them.

The only real conclusion that is made with the study is that one's relationships to other people are the only thing that affect happiness in ones life. How one interacts with others is a prime determinant, and actually the only one. The amount of money you make, once your basic needs are met, of course, has a negligible effect. Physical health in college correlates with better mental health in old age but not better physical health. Alcohol addiction is bad.

There are others but the thing that stood out to me is the relationships part. It makes sense, we are social animals. This idea that interactions with others are the most critical for man's happiness and contentment really shows that human consciousness is an after-effect of the mind's processes. Our self-awareness is separate from our instincts, if that makes sense. That what plagues us and delights us and allows us to enjoy the universe as well as what gives the universe meaning (in a sense) is really an effect, a by-product. If we weren't self-aware, we would have our relationships. Our lives would perhaps be more forward and direct, more violent, cruel, but we'd still interact. I guess morals and culture penetrate the malleable brain... we make interaction so complicated. Do we?! How!? man, I'm learning that.

I want to attach a cartoon. It represents something that I struggle with, and that is my own silence. That is way too simple but I am starting out small.

New Orleans

2009-05-26T16:15:00.003-04:00

I really liked New Orleans. It seemed like a very beautiful city. That is really all I can say about it. I really do not understand what happened there with the Hurricane and I feel like the places I went were not even touched very badly. At least it didn't seem like it, and because I was in the most commercial areas, I'm sure it was supposed to be like that.

Here is my eager hand, grasp it firmly

2009-04-20T13:35:00.003-04:00

Such history in these photographs. And I felt like a part of that knowledge for an afternoon.

And!

2009-04-11T02:01:00.000-04:00

Trip East

2009-04-10T22:16:00.002-04:00

A trip to Boston was successful: I got some good pictures and somehow made sure I would be coming back.

Phares dans la Tempete, la Jument

2009-03-30T18:13:00.001-04:00

Where did these come from? Where did their source go?

Things inspiring me recently

2009-03-26T21:46:00.005-04:00

Some teenagers in Spain who made a high-altitude balloon with their science teacher:Poseidon:
Those images above are from the website www.boston.com.
Here are some more of mine:
A proud Robin

A solitary Red-tailed Hawk

A curious chickadee

Some pre-historic Sandhill Cranes

Comfy Cat

Some great pals

Wise people around me

Our new art museum

Next stop, Boston. A revisit, this time in bright spring, not gloomy fall... wish me luck! Remember?

The littlest birds!

2009-03-18T16:02:00.002-04:00

Good days go by, it has been beautiful out. The bikes I've kept in storage all winter are out in the living room, getting more and more use. I recently have been riding a lot of bicycles, my friend Matt said he likes to lean over the handlebars so that he can't see any parts of the bike and imagine he is soaring over the ground. He and I soared last night, it was the end of a long day punctuated by both successes and confusion, and some funny parts, too.

Every other week this semester I give presentations on some concepts in evolutionary genetics. Specifically, I learn how body-parts evolve, how species come up with new appendages, new ways to solve problems encountered in their environment. So the evolution of the creation of new traits, if you will. I think its a really great new field, people are making a lot of discoveries because we have so much more information about animals' genomes and even about individual genes. How genes interact, where they interact, the confusing webs of activation, deactivation.

I thought of an analogy: imagine a huge switch board with many light bulbs at the edges, and there are so many switches, turning the switches on and off in a variety of combinations results in maybe one light turning on somewhere, or turning off, or dimming. Now in trying to create an arm or a leg or an antenna, the precise combination of switches (genes) have to be turned on in the right way at the right time... and that's just one step. People are beginning to see these patterns, to learn how genes act on each other. I presented yesterday about developmental drift, in which two species (or even two populations) might have similar traits and similar looking body parts, but the way they arrive at the creation of that perfect adaptation, they may actually go through two completely different genetic processes. So a homologous/analogous instrument actually happens in a new way and only now with studying the individual genes in these pathways are we seeing that things happen very differently than we thought. Its like taking two different routes to arrive at the same place, or using different switches to get the same light bulb result.

I am going on a birding trip this weekend, and I hope I think about some of this stuff. Expect photos! I leave you to think about these now:

The analogies of evolution are very appropriate sometimes.

I know why Forrest Gump ran

2009-03-13T19:34:00.003-04:00

He ran because he had lost something. Though he was such a simple person, it was beautiful how huge he felt all of the time. Some say that the reason people learn about other people with mental disorders is because they tell us something about ourselves, us "normal" people. Forrest Gump told me something about myself, about why I was running so hard today, I ran so hard. I ran through the trees on the unpaved trails, in my new running shoes, crisp white right through the spring thaw, through all of that mud, with the new red-winged blackbirds and mallards and even a great blue heron around me, I ran as hard as i could, sliding and sloshing, i couldn't stop. and although they are muddy my shoes are not ruined. nothing is ruined, Forrest new that he just had to get it out.

And I just learned, today, that I also need to get it out, to run, in a way. I need expression, i need to channel anger, because i have a lot of positive anger in me, i think that i am a passionate person, i've learned that i am turning into a man, that I can make mistakes and the mistakes i take credit for now will not have to come out in the future. because right now hurting or disappointing myself makes me stronger. i also learned that mediums of expression i've used in the past won't necessarily be right for me today, i've learned that there are many things to explore about my capabilities, i've learned that i have marketable skills in many areas, that i CAN get a job and do it well, that i am not as stupid as i previously thought, i learn quickly and i have a lot to show for that. i love myself today. I can do it.

Nevada Contrast

2009-02-28T21:38:00.004-05:00

Photo Credit C.Shrestha:

Photo Credit C.Shrestha:

New Camera!

2009-01-06T00:15:00.005-05:00

BioStation III

2008-11-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

More Biostation

2008-10-26T10:23:00.001-04:00

Biostation part 1

2008-07-31T23:44:00.003-04:00

Pictures coming soon

2008-05-18T11:48:00.002-04:00

Have you ever felt like what you were doing at a given moment could be made into a film? Just now I am in my room and I just opened my windows to let the wind through. I is a cloudy day and I am sitting in the window-light, and outside there is that grey that comes with an overcast sky or potential rain. Such light makes the green in trees' leaves so deep.

The summer is good for pauses like that! Maybe this is the last summer, because I am graduating next year.

May, sir

2008-05-08T00:22:00.003-04:00

Today was a day that should have dragged on for a long time, but actually, sitting here at home in the evening, started and ended before I knew it. I suppose this seems to happen with age, and it wasn't but a few weeks ago that even the freshmen were exclaiming how quickly the year seemed to have rushed past.

Several things happened today that actually changed the flow of the normal days that I have been having this summer so far. I woke up at 7:30 and went to the pool early. Usually I go straight to work. I even packed a breakfast and lunch for myself to have during the day because I usually just eat at home and then wait until dinner time, when I am really hungry.

My friend Alex also came to my building to have coffee with me, and I never have visitors at work. I think this is related to the fact that many of my friends are not in the sciences, and so I do not feel like they have a place there. I kind of enjoy the solitude and enigmatic niche that my work bench and desk have in my life. I always think, for some reason, that if I was in a terrible situation, I could at least hide out at the lab and work. So by hanging out with Alex there today, it sort of broke those boundaries.

In the late afternoon my private investigator, Dr. John Faulkner gave a talk about his muscle research. I don't know much about his past but I do know he has been in muscle physiology research since the early 50's. At Michigan, too. So he discussed what is known about muscles in aging people. He is a good example, actually, of how muscle deteriorates no matter what you do. He was probably a very able and strong athlete, and I think Chris (my supervisor) told me that he ran marathons until he hurt his knee badly. He still rides his bicycle to work every day, which makes me happy.

Watching this 83 year old man give this lecture made me think, too. His discussion about individual muscle cells and then with his photos of athletes who do not necessarily think about their muscles in the way that he does everyday seemed to reinforce the constant awareness I had today about the complexity of the world at that very moment, and in every moment. It was as if I was using drugs but actually was just thinking and conscious of that exact moment. It seems to me that older people lose urgency and sense of trivial things. I assume I will get there some day, but will I be more powerful now if I can at least exercise that skill?

Another time I get these feelings of universality and here-ness is when I read books. Its been happening more and more as I grow older, and sometimes the sole act of reading will make me feel like my chest is exploding and the world is everywhere and no where, is in the book at the same time as it is the one that I am a part of. I am excited to get the book "Buddhism without Beliefs" by Stephen Batchelor. I have had it recommended to me by 2 different people and look forward to losing myself another summer in ways to practice my here-ness.

Right now I am reading In Dubious Battle by John Steinbeck. He is definitely my favorite author, in the way that you want leather knapsacks instead of plastic ones. When I finish the book I will let you know what I thought.

I also finished my new wheelset for my bicycle and today was the first day I have been able to ride it around. When I can, I will put a photo up of my bicycles.

Oh, and Devandra Banhart's new cd is really nice. That lifts me, too.

London in the Winter

2008-05-03T13:46:00.001-04:00

T 34

At the market

At the Tate Modern

Train Station roof

Double-decker bus

World War 1 Memorial

This thing is now 3 years older. Me too.

2007-09-23T21:09:00.000-04:00

Here are some slow adventures from since March.
Pie and bicycles in August,

Random finds of the summer

Northern California in March

Lake Michigan in July

Thank you for all of you who still look on this thing, diligently,
Kostya

Spain in the Winter

2007-04-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

Vivid Colours

2007-01-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Just Photos.

2006-11-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

There are so many things going on. Its sad that I have to adapt to this academic lifestyle. Ideally, life would go a lot lot slower.

These are really cool.

Disasters

2006-09-26T21:12:00.000-04:00

Actually, my life has become very wonderful here in the Ann Arbor Bubble. I know that I have written that I don't enjoy using my digital camera anymore, but this is sort of a collection of the past couple of weeks. Here, we have a Republic meeting, paid for by the university, in order to plan some activities for the year. We just ate and had a full, funny time. It was delicious.

This is a new kid on the bloc, Molly.

Alright, a few weeks ago i got trapped in the rain and it didn't stop. Flash floods and the streets were gone. Very impressive and very surreal at the same time.

Out of their element.

Scott and I, both wet and dry.

Also, I got a new job with a laboratory treating Muscular Dystrophy. I am the new research assistant, and actually start tomorrow. It is in the brand new science research building on campus. Very enviable, and I'll have 24 hour access to the building and lab...

Here is my Organic Chemistry professor taking pictures of her immense lecture at 11am. She is so good, people come from other lecturers to even sit in the aisles and on the floor just to hear her explanations. She's very cool.

This is the biggest lecture hall at my school. 400 people, about.

Some real photos soon. Our camera club is technically getting right under way, so I will technically be making photos and developing them for free in the near future.

Kostya.

Island Post # 2

2006-09-04T13:09:00.001-04:00

Island Post # 1

2006-08-30T00:55:00.001-04:00

I haven't been out here for years. Finally, this year, my mother and I semi-spontaneously left for Massachusetts to visit this very wonderful retreat in the Atlantic Ocean. And Ben and Darien (my good friends from West Virginia) These photos were all taken by my mother. I have pretty much stopped using my digital camera, so you will have to wait until I painstakingly scan my photos into the computer at school.

This is the flagpole outside the cottage. My extended American family has owned this cottage since 1912, when everyone's great grandfather built it by hand. I havn't been back because it was being remodeled. So now it is open again for use.

These photos are just from the house. The view is amazing, and the stove is actually almost 100 years old... And works.

I don't know if you can read this. Its the general store.

There are more rocks there than anything else. Around the perimeter. So a lot of time is spent out on the rocks. Darien climbed a lot.

Darien coming down off an old tree fort that had a spiral staircase!

Then these guys took us lobstering, and we got to pull up traps and check to see if the lobsters were big enough to catch. There are pretty strict laws with the lobster fishing, so they threw a lot back. Only 3 keepers, but we didn't get to take them. We were just watching.

The rest of the photos will be up this weekend. I might make a big post of all the photos I took for the rest of the summer. Lots of pictures with Nora and hopefully lots from this place. In 2 days I will be back in Ann Arbor for school.

I hope I get to see you guys who read this sometime soon.

Love, kostya.

America I Am Now Here With You

2006-08-13T00:14:00.000-04:00

This post is sort of allows the two sides of my history to dance together. A few weeks ago, the "relatives" came to cincinnati. My parents and I just kept refering to them as "the relatives" so that way I didn't really understand who exactly was coming to stay with us. All I knew was that half of them live in America and the other 2 are from Moscow. So it turns out, that they are really awesome. Yes. The young guy with the beard is Kiril, a physics assistant professor at Cleveland State University and when he was a student at the Russian equivalent of MIT, he got a scholarship to study here in the US, and now he works here in the same field. HIs girlfriend, Natasha, also lives in Cleveland and is Russian as well. His father Andrei is also a physics professor at said Russian equivalent of MIT and he with his wife Galia came to visit his son. So since they were in Cleveland, they decided to come down here to Cincinnati. And they enjoyed it very much. I think it was eventually worked out that Andrei is my father's 2nd Cousin or Uncle or something. So Kiril is a 3rd cousin to me. Well, meeting them and meeting such educated and respectful and interesting Russians really encouraged me in my science studies. It also makes me very proud of my ancestry and heritage. My mom and I realized that almost all of our family is educated past High School and over half of them became either doctors or scientists. Very nice.

AlsomymotherandIgotourAmericancitizenshipyesterday.

Check out my new ride...

2006-07-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

Here are some random photos that I took with my digital camera. I realize i do not like using a digital camera too much. Thats all. The bike that I am working on and going to use in Ann Arbor this year is at the bottom. So far its cost about 60 bucks all together to buy and to fix. So not bad. I wish the wheels were a little bigger, for speed. But its still really really fun to be in the road bike position. Its so fun to ride, I guess thats all that matters.

More photos from Maine of my new friends.

2006-07-17T23:15:00.000-04:00

Hello, everybody. I hope that your months since my last post have been fantastic and yet still chaotic like mine. Though I am almost 20, emotions are running strong. I do feel a great connection to the world, however. A lot more has begun to make sense. So here are the first batch of photographs I took with my SLR on the trip. We will begin with the End, the climb up Mount Washington, which was hillarious, to put it in an all-encompassing phrase. (All-encompassingly!) You can see what greeted us as we cleared the timberline, as measly 7 miles out of the 12 it took to get up to the summit.

And it wasn't even that bad until we got to the top. The fastest winds were recorded on top of that mountain, 230 MPH (370 KMph) and then the instruments blew away (not while we were there, though). I love this photo, taken by Drew Philp.

On the way down, I experienced winds that I will probably never feel again! They literally blew me down to the ground, and we had to walk for miles over coverless rocks and boulders, through Felsenmeere of rock and without any vegitation at all to hide us, ducking low to the ground, backs bent, backpacks soaked, rain pounding our exposed noses like needles, the wind blowing us off the trail, which was only marked by large stacks of rock. It was so bad, I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. But we were happy! Especially under the cover of this ridge. And it was cloudy all day, but every once in a while, a hole would open in the clouds, and the mountain allowed us a glimpse at the country. Which was beautiful. But it was so sudden, i couldn't get my camera out of its waterproofing fast enough. It got wet when i took it out to take these though. But it survived. Like me.

I can't really emphasis how much of the program was centered around writing. I don't think I wrote enough, personally, but I still had my journal next to me every second, in case something was inspiring. I enjoyed running and jumping more than sitting and writing, but some others wrote a lot. This is a class, a journal group meeting, where we would talk about how our journals and experience was going. Most classes were small like this, some were pretty big, but all had an intimacy. Sometimes, we would rather have been outside, but writing was important.

Audra writing.

John Writing.

Ben and Becky Writing.

Here is the dining hall where we would be together. The food is being introduced and I am talking about something...

And the teachers! You can't pick them out unless i told you who they were. Here is Ryan (a teacher) who is from Elkins, WV, and became quite a great friend of mine. He is talking with Taryn about something. Probably poetry. He is a poet.

Nels, an english professor, brought his wife Jess, and their baby Emmy Lou.

The Atlantic Ocean with Becky, a teacher as well. I loved seeing the Ocean again. Its like an old friend, and it is always sort of surprising to think that you actually made it back again to see the sea.

Here is Becky mentoring a student. You can tell she is older and more experienced here, right?

Aric, he is a writer, and a great thinker. I had lots of important talks with him. And will have more, as he lives in Ann Arbor.

Alistair had a great name and is a very calm, patient person. I wish he would be around Ann Arbor, but he lives in California. He was so positive. Someone really to look up to as a college student.

Francis. I miss him. Kevin is in the foreground. He was a great person to have talks at night on the rocks with.

There were more teachers, but I don't really have pictures of them. The next set of photos are more of scenery and the Maine landscape. It was lovely. New England. Mushrooms.

This island is owned by the camp, and students could go out there to have SOLOS, which is where you spend about 24 hours alone. I did it and got sort of bored. But I tried fasting for the first time, and managed 22 hours, I think, without food. It was interesting.

A little dock on the solo island.

Gull.

Lake Sebago, where the camp was. These were right after a thunderstorm. Mmm.

Natural Layers, can you see?

This is, again, my favorite place at camp. I think the harmony here is so wonderful.

This is Somm Sound, the only Fjord in the continental US, or something like that. A glacier carved it out, and it is supposed to be very deep. But not as dramatic as typical fjords, of course.

A New England town on Acadia National Park, Bar Harbor. Our little group spent a great hour or so rolling and writing and tumbling around this green space. Beautiful.

I like this picture of myself, actually. Ha.

So thats the new update. I hope you like all of the new changes i've made to the site, I think that the pictures should fit better on this one. I will try to have more very soon. I always say that, but I have a roll to be developed and I would like to get them scanned. Otherwise, have a great time. I will put a post of my new bike on here to show you guys what i've been working on recently in Cincinnati, getting ready for school again. Oh man. Bye!

The Rain in Maine

2006-06-21T00:43:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! I am finally back and in this civilized life again. Though my living wasn't really that primitive. It is true that at the New England Literature Program, telephones, ipods, computers and whatever else was prohibited and physically taken away from me. So that made things very interesting. As sad as it was to miss the rest of my world, it was easier to concentrate on the present moment, because really, there wasn't anything I could do about the situation and where I was, so I just entered full speed and at full charge. The result was a gradual and total evaluation of myself, my beliefs, goals, values. I feel like this program and the experiences, the people, the way I was included and became a vital part of the community, helped me understand my worth. I can now try to describe myself in words, I know what I am good at and what I like to do. The mystery of poetry has been slightly cleared up for me, and now I am gradually accumulating a collection of memorized poems in my head. I hope to make that a regular activity. It really gets me excited about the literature and life, as corney as that sounds. I'll try to illustrate the trip for you, but the best pictures will come later. I have to get them developed.

Our van there stopped a lot, and so we were late, but as opposed to the others that HAD to get to the hotel, we saw some cool things.

Remember how excited I was about the vans spelling out University of Michigan on their sides? Well this is all we got.

Scooby-doo type scary house.

The first week, they taught us how to use a map and compass and then drove us in little groups very far away from the camp, early in the morning, and told us to get back to camp. I was very surprised, though some kids new about it. So we were dropped 12 miles away and walked the whole way through forests, down roads and through peoples' property. It was crazy, and every once and a while a truck or car would pass us, heavy with other NELPers, screaming at us in triumph while we trudged so tiredly down the road. It was a great experience though. Here we are sitting exhausted 2 miles before we get back to camp.

Acca and I in celebration.

Then we had a story telling circle, describing our feats. One team brought pockets full of spent machine gun shells.

A few days later, we had a day hike up Burnt Meadow Mountain, and had lunch at the top. This is Bryan Kelly, who took russian in school and we spoke a lot in secret.

Coming down steep terrain.

The next trip was an over night hike up a mountain to the summit. This is Sanjay. It rained the whole 36 hours we were there and then for 5 days after that. Did i mention it rained for 3 days after we got to Maine?

Nels, one of the instructors. I won't even get started on this incredible person.

Shaelyn.

Eating dinner, wet and cold.

What the evergreen forest looked like. The other photos are of the hardwood tree layer of the mountain.

And here is Kevin right at the timberline. The rain produced zero visability, but it was almost surreal and neat that way.

Back to camp, i don't have many pictures of it. But this is the dock, and I bathed here everyday, and didn't shower for 3 weeks. By the end of the trip, it was covered in water from the rain raising the lake's water level.

The Next trip was to Acadia, a national park-island where we camped on very nice campgrounds. People described this place as a vacation trip, and small groups broke up to go see things all over the island. It was wonderful to see the ocean.

That evening we climbed an incredibly precipitious mountain in about an hour, using all of these rebar steps and handles drilled into the rock. Crazy.

And then we journaled. Obviously, we were very serious about our journalling!

The next night i had my lobster that i paid for months in advance. I also finished off 5 other lobsters. My fingers were wrinkled from the lobster juice.

This is a very very good friend of mine now, Rachel, and an instructor, Alistair, who was a student at Nelp a few years ago.

Journaling about my own islanded place. If you remember my germany experience, I described that i am on an island when I go for walks, which is all i did in germany and do every saturday morning in Ann Arbor

The Coast.

Rachel and John's art project. Framing nature. Is it art? There was a long discussion.

So THEN later that week we went on an extreme hike in the northern Maine wilderness. It was crazy. Stream crossings and shit, just like Ryan is doing here. He was a staffer too, and from West Virginia.

Serious bug protection.

Eating lunch or something.

Moose tracks!

with packs on.

Here, good Kate is drinking from a Natural Spring. Delicious!

we selpt in some shelters on this pond.

and walked around on such platforms to protect the marshes.

BEAUTIFUL weather the next day. Lots of hiking around looking at stuff.

Here is a dragonfly metamorphosizing from the larvae. Can you see whats going on? Its weird. The dragonfly is hanging upside down, coming out of its former skin/life. It was dragonfly birthday or something, because we watched lots of these things happen.

Waterfalls

The Moose has become one of my favorite animals, without a doubt! Wow they are so so so cool.

Tomorrow i am flying to DC to visit my friend Gabby, but after that, I will show you the rest of my pictures! I have great film ones i need to scan.

Drawn out goodbye:

If I Forget...

2006-04-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

If I forget to post some photos from my last few nights in Ann Arbor, then I will at least post my mailing address for the next 6 weeks on this Blog.

Please send comments, complaints and suggestions to:

Kostya Bakhurin
c/o NELP
P.O. Box 998
Raymond, Maine 04071
USA

I will NOT have the following:
Internet
Ipod
Email
Watch
Cell-Phone

So I will be MIA, so to speak.
Wish me luck, and good luck to YOU guys on Finals and May's and June's

Kostya

Balloons

2006-04-13T16:06:00.000-04:00

Just some neat things i saw. and my roommate to end it for good, giving the west virginia state bird.

This was already last month

2006-04-08T10:43:00.000-04:00

Hello. I don' t know if my meager audience knows that I am involved here at Michigan with student government, at least in my dorm, which sort of has its own college within itself: The Residential College. So we RC Student Government kids set up this event in our library, which is usually strictly for quiet study. But we took that down. We destroyed that.

It was great.

My friend and neighbor Bill played with his band, Alligator Tree:

Then we had this great Jazz Band come in. Sitar, Sax and drums. Was nice. With Pizza and soda and...

Break dancing. Andy's housemate has this break dance troupe and they were really fun to watch. Right in our own library!

So Sometime before that The Books came to play at our Art Museum. We of course tickets were free and ran out very quickly. But the monday before that, Rob Linn, the good man that he is, gave me a ticket he had picked up and so I would be going to see this band I never really listened to. Which is unfortunate. They play some very nice music, and had a very nice video accompanyment. Needless to say, it made me extraordinarily happy. And my good friend Gabby sat next to me. No one there was arrogant or mean or anything. it was just a great environment and ended too soon. If my body did not confine me, I would have burst into blossom.

Next month, if any of you do not know, I will be in Maine for 6 weeks with school. I won't have internet access and extremely limited phone access. So please be ready to not hear from me for a while. Unless you want to write me a letter or send a postcard. That address will be posted on here as well as many other places as soon as I learn what it is.

Thank you.

Mix and Match

2006-03-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

Some shadowblocks for your amusement. These can be found in Washington DC, but I would like to wager that I am the only one who knows exactly where. And its facinating to me that I could get my body from this dorm room over to Washington DC and stand right infront of this structure. It would be so precise.

You may or may not know that I went to Ottawa 2 weeks ago with my parents. It was exceedingly exciting to see people I haven't seen for years.

They are my brothers Alex, Max and Ed. And it is always just as nice to see them. Alex and I were inseperable again.

Haha.

I am starting to appreciate animals being around a lot more. (Thank you.) And it makes me happy to see them. Although those dogs look sad up there, this is just a cool ol' cat.

And these are the houses of Parliament in Canada. I like imagining them squatting down through the cold winter and looking so damp and grim.

Another sculpture in DC.

And this is the new Biology Building in Ann Arbor and my goal is to secure a lab assistant job here.

Stay tuned for The Books and some Breakdancing photos.

Oh God, Oh God

2006-03-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

Over break my dad and I flew to Washington DC for 24 hours exactly so that I could take another step toward US citizenship. It was exciting to make an escape like that, and I was really looking forward to something different and exciting at the end of the week. I really loved going there. It is a good city and whoever does live in DC, has something very special there. I have made quite a quantity of friends here in Ann Arbor that actually live in DC, like Gabby and Mariel

but for some reason, I didn't see any of them.
So instead I went to the Smithsonian and Capitol Hill and looked at the things I haven't seen before. Like the Library of Congress,

The Supreme Court

The Capitol

and the National Archives, where the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta were displayed.
Then, I was lucky to meet up with my friend Alex Wiltchko, who actually lives in Texas but was in DC at the same time as I was. Funny.

We went to some museums and saw some nice things.

This is a welcome image from my childhood:

The trip was fun and very welcome, but sure enough, we scrambled out of bed at 6 am and flew home to Cincinnati, and then I drove up to Ann Arbor and many things had somehow changed in just one week.

Oh, and here is a shot from around the corner of my dorm.

I have a good amount of photos to show you recently, so look out for those. Including the Books concert I saw on campus the other night.

Kostya

Super Super cars now

2006-02-20T21:58:00.000-05:00

more abstract

2006-02-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

the bmw headlight was really good, but i made it even more bold. i love these two, they are particularly my favorites.

Autoshow series

2006-02-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

So I scanned some of these photos I took at the Detroit Auto Show in January. It was a really neat thing. I also took advantage of the wide angle lens on my camera and was able to take the entire span of the cars. I like this one because of the dark shadow in the headlight bay. Its scary almost.

Here is the same photo altered a little.

The last of this series

2006-02-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

Its interesting that half of these weren't even taken by me, and yet the photos of Ben and I look so delicate and fine. Like we are still moving. It makes me happy. I can't be blamed for missing Morgantown. I just can't.

The next photos should be some of the Detroit Auto show and maybe some really old ones.

You are Gorgeous

2006-02-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

Shadows and Snow

2006-01-30T21:42:00.000-05:00

The snow doesn't come around here anymore. It is just periodic rain and 40 degree weather. Overcast. sometimes we have sun that cuts diagonally across the surface of the earth and creates the neat shadows you see here. But, though the earth is tilted so far away and Ann Arbor is about as north as we could ever get to see some snow fall, we are disappointed again and again. The best were the weeks leading up to finals last semester and it snowed and it snowed and i felt like i felt best when it was night time and we returned from the party's heat and i could recognize the ghosts in the snow, with the flakes cutting across but now its just the sun and the rain.

Mistakes were Made

2006-01-24T14:18:00.000-05:00

Here is a mitten that Heidi lost and I was able to find again. On a snowy thursday before we all left for Christmas. The snow come back!

Also a pine tree with such pretty snow flakes in the lens. That makes me so happy. I feel really good.

Chicago

2006-01-21T19:04:00.000-05:00

This was taken on Black Friday in Chicago and it felt like Home Alone 2, Holden Caulfield, and being 19 all roled into one. Just because it started snowing and I am young and inexperienced and will be for a long time.

It was so pretty though. It was like stereotypical Christmas.